Great Expectations

Expectations are a form of first-class truth: If people believe it, it's true.
       ~Bill Gates

Our environment, the world in which we live and work, is a mirror of our attitudes and expectations.
      ~Earl Nightingale

Your expectations opens or closes the doors of your supply, If you expect grand things, and work honestly for them, they will come to you, your supply will correspond with your expectation.
      ~Orison Swett Marden


I have often prided myself on not having expectations of those around me and I have sincerely believed that to be true.  I do not expect birthday celebrations, congratulatory cards or parties for promotions at work, or receiving a promotion at work for that matter.  Should I get engaged tomorrow (there is absolutely NO chance of that...unless the current man in my life, Gizmo, were to get some crazy idea!) I would not expect an engagement party, bridal shower, or wedding.  I would never expect someone to throw me a baby shower or come to the hospital to visit my baby. Not that I am thinking about having a baby ANY time soon...or ever. (I changed 3 of my beautiful, nephew's dirty diapers today...any hint of babyitis...officially cured!!)

These lack of expectations have served me well...or have they? Is the way I view life and relationships really without expectation? Granted, no one close to me EVER feels taken for granted.  The smallest actions are HUGE to me.  Acts such as noticing that I like napkins when eating popcorn at the theater and grabbing them for me, asking me if I want something when you go to the fridge to get yourself a pop, sending me a text in the morning just to wish me to have a great day, and opening the door for me, don't just make me smile in the moment.  Those small, thoughtful acts, whether coming from friends or someone I am dating, genuinely surprise me and make my whole day, month, and in some extreme cases...year better. Those gestures make me feel cared for and special.

I will pause here.  I will allow you a moment to pick up your jaw.  I am aware that the things I listed are common courtesy and probably shouldn't mean so much to me. I shouldn't be surprised when close friends and people who care about me make me any sort of priority.  

So I go back to my question.  Are my lack of expectations really serving me well and can I really say that I lack expectations in my world and of the people around me? No.  I can't.  I have expectations, but they aren't great ones.  My "lack of expectations" are really expectations that I am not important, not worthy of being cared for, that people are going to get what they want from me and then toss me aside, and that to have expectations of others and their treatment of me is unfair to them.  It seems my true expectation is to be treated like nothing and to achieve nothing in life. As such I attract people and situations that treat me exactly how I expect. I expect to fail at work...I don't get the promotion I am seeking.  I expect someone to hurt me...I attract the emotionally unavailable, slightly confused about what they really want, men who convince me they are sincere only to have it end in accusations of unrealistic expectations (they say that of me...kinda funny now that I think about it), and the total rejection of the person I am.  I expect much pain and I receive much pain.

Why do I do that? Is it the product of an unhappy, abusive childhood? Perhaps I wasn't wanted by my family and was shipped off to boarding school to keep me out of the way?  Or maybe it was because I was told every day of my life that I am worthless, ugly, fat, and disposable? Well..I am about to disappoint you with a severe lack of juicy details.  My childhood was not unhappy or abusive.  I have two parents that gave me everything I could possibly ever want and made me a priority.  Every decision they made was out of love.  They sacrificed to provide me with a private, Christian education and taught me the value of hard work. I had a parent (if not both) at every volleyball, softball, basketball, and choir concert I participated in.  I am grateful for the parents I was blessed to have raise me.  No one's childhood or life experiences are perfect.  There were definitely circumstances that were difficult and shaped the person I have become, but they were never then and never will be excuses for the choices I make today.  I have no one and no circumstances to blame for my negative expectations. The blame solely lies with me. 

So what happens from here? How do I make my future one of great expectations and a great, meaningful life? Well it starts and ends with me.  At some point in our lives, we all have to decide what kind of person we want to be and the lives we want to lead.  Perhaps at 29 it is a little late to be implementing even more changes to my character. I can't believe that. I believe that whether you are 29, 46, or 80 you can decide to change the course of the life you are leading.  You can choose to get out of the rut you are living in, let go of the past, and move forward with joy and peace.  I am not a silly, school girl.  I know it takes work and pain. I know that the journey ahead to complete health (body, soul, and mind) is paved with pain, inconvenient and ugly truths, letting go of self pity (which let's face it...who among us hasn't written the party planning guide to the pity event of the season?), taking ownership of the choices we have made in less than desirable circumstances, saying a final good bye to the victim complex, and choosing to face life head on rather than hiding in our various vices (food, alcohol, movies, collecting 30 cats, endless relationships, sex, and of course...rock'n'roll).  We can all choose to stand up and say, "I have great expectations for who I am, who I will impact, and the life I will lead."