Thursday, July 10, 2014
Great Expectations
Expectations are a form of first-class truth: If people believe it, it's true.
~Bill Gates
Our environment, the world in which we live and work, is a mirror of our attitudes and expectations.
~Earl Nightingale
Your expectations opens or closes the doors of your supply, If you expect grand things, and work honestly for them, they will come to you, your supply will correspond with your expectation.
~Orison Swett Marden
I have often prided myself on not having expectations of those around me and I have sincerely believed that to be true. I do not expect birthday celebrations, congratulatory cards or parties for promotions at work, or receiving a promotion at work for that matter. Should I get engaged tomorrow (there is absolutely NO chance of that...unless the current man in my life, Gizmo, were to get some crazy idea!) I would not expect an engagement party, bridal shower, or wedding. I would never expect someone to throw me a baby shower or come to the hospital to visit my baby. Not that I am thinking about having a baby ANY time soon...or ever. (I changed 3 of my beautiful, nephew's dirty diapers today...any hint of babyitis...officially cured!!)
These lack of expectations have served me well...or have they? Is the way I view life and relationships really without expectation? Granted, no one close to me EVER feels taken for granted. The smallest actions are HUGE to me. Acts such as noticing that I like napkins when eating popcorn at the theater and grabbing them for me, asking me if I want something when you go to the fridge to get yourself a pop, sending me a text in the morning just to wish me to have a great day, and opening the door for me, don't just make me smile in the moment. Those small, thoughtful acts, whether coming from friends or someone I am dating, genuinely surprise me and make my whole day, month, and in some extreme cases...year better. Those gestures make me feel cared for and special.
I will pause here. I will allow you a moment to pick up your jaw. I am aware that the things I listed are common courtesy and probably shouldn't mean so much to me. I shouldn't be surprised when close friends and people who care about me make me any sort of priority.
So I go back to my question. Are my lack of expectations really serving me well and can I really say that I lack expectations in my world and of the people around me? No. I can't. I have expectations, but they aren't great ones. My "lack of expectations" are really expectations that I am not important, not worthy of being cared for, that people are going to get what they want from me and then toss me aside, and that to have expectations of others and their treatment of me is unfair to them. It seems my true expectation is to be treated like nothing and to achieve nothing in life. As such I attract people and situations that treat me exactly how I expect. I expect to fail at work...I don't get the promotion I am seeking. I expect someone to hurt me...I attract the emotionally unavailable, slightly confused about what they really want, men who convince me they are sincere only to have it end in accusations of unrealistic expectations (they say that of me...kinda funny now that I think about it), and the total rejection of the person I am. I expect much pain and I receive much pain.
Why do I do that? Is it the product of an unhappy, abusive childhood? Perhaps I wasn't wanted by my family and was shipped off to boarding school to keep me out of the way? Or maybe it was because I was told every day of my life that I am worthless, ugly, fat, and disposable? Well..I am about to disappoint you with a severe lack of juicy details. My childhood was not unhappy or abusive. I have two parents that gave me everything I could possibly ever want and made me a priority. Every decision they made was out of love. They sacrificed to provide me with a private, Christian education and taught me the value of hard work. I had a parent (if not both) at every volleyball, softball, basketball, and choir concert I participated in. I am grateful for the parents I was blessed to have raise me. No one's childhood or life experiences are perfect. There were definitely circumstances that were difficult and shaped the person I have become, but they were never then and never will be excuses for the choices I make today. I have no one and no circumstances to blame for my negative expectations. The blame solely lies with me.
So what happens from here? How do I make my future one of great expectations and a great, meaningful life? Well it starts and ends with me. At some point in our lives, we all have to decide what kind of person we want to be and the lives we want to lead. Perhaps at 29 it is a little late to be implementing even more changes to my character. I can't believe that. I believe that whether you are 29, 46, or 80 you can decide to change the course of the life you are leading. You can choose to get out of the rut you are living in, let go of the past, and move forward with joy and peace. I am not a silly, school girl. I know it takes work and pain. I know that the journey ahead to complete health (body, soul, and mind) is paved with pain, inconvenient and ugly truths, letting go of self pity (which let's face it...who among us hasn't written the party planning guide to the pity event of the season?), taking ownership of the choices we have made in less than desirable circumstances, saying a final good bye to the victim complex, and choosing to face life head on rather than hiding in our various vices (food, alcohol, movies, collecting 30 cats, endless relationships, sex, and of course...rock'n'roll). We can all choose to stand up and say, "I have great expectations for who I am, who I will impact, and the life I will lead."
Sunday, July 6, 2014
That Awkward Question
I am about to let you in on a shocking secret!!! Something that very few people know about me. Are you ready for it?
I am single.
Shocking!! Or not so much because it's pretty much the worst kept secret in the history of the universe.
What is perhaps more shocking is that in the 21st century people still don't know how to have a conversation or really know what to do with a single woman who is pushing 30. Maybe it's because I live in the land of the spud where the average age of a woman getting married for the first time (sadly it's important to note this reality we live in) at 23.4 years old (2nd lowest age in the nation) and men entering their first marriage is at the ripe old age of 25.5 years old (lowest age in the nation). If I lived in New York or Connecticut it is entirely possible that I would come into contact with people who have something in common with me. Single. Pushing 30. Not dating. Enjoying life alone.
This brings me to the awkward questions that, I can only assume, are supposed to be conversation starters.
1. Don't you want to get married again? (Ummm...if I answer "no" I am in denial, and if I answer "yes" I am considered desperate. How does "maybe" sound?)
2. How can you not want a baby? (Well I am not exactly in a situation right now to be thinking about that and...oh ya...none of your business!!)
3. Have you tried online dating? I know my uncle's cousin's brother's aunt's grandma's goldfish met his wife online and they could not be happier! (Good for them...I have dabbled...no comment)
And then there is my ALL TIME favorite!! This is the question of all questions. The awkward query that shall go down in infamy!
4. How are you still single? (@#(*$(@*$(@#$*.....You sooo did not just ask me that!!)
There you have it!!! The most loathed question among all single people across this great nation! The one question that suggests (as if you already hadn't thought this about yourself) that there is something intrinsically wrong or defective about you!
(As a defective single woman, I spend the majority of my life at work. So many of my life experiences that I share will come from the people I interact with on a daily basis.)
Not too long ago, I overheard a conversation a couple of my agents were having. One agent was saying to his peer, "Have you ever wondered why Lindsay is single? She is funny, smart, cute, and successful." To which the other person in the conversation replied, "I don't know. Maybe outside of work she is crazy." Of course then the first agent who started the conversation felt the need to reply, "That's true. It's possible."
Now I am not disputing that I have a little crazy going on. I am female, have the last name of moody, love the Seahawks (next time you interact with the 12th man you will understand), actively cheer against Boise State while living in/near Boise, and many other things. I have already established that we all have our issues. But my "crazy" is not made up of constant deal breakers (49er fans need not apply...please see 12th man reference if you require explanation) and do not require psychiatric assistance or medication. They are just a few of my quirks that I came by biologically or after utilizing the good sense that God gave me (Seahawks and cheering against BSU).
I will legitimately answer the awkward questions. Yes, I would like to get married again. Someday. I was a good Idaho girl and got married at 24 years old and endured an extremely painful (is there any other kind?) divorce at 25. I have had 1 relationship since and while it was wonderful while it lasted, it ended in a mess of betrayal and devastation. I haven't given up on love and marriage but I am not in a hurry to rush into something that isn't right and ends in further heartbreak. A baby? Maybe...someday. How can I consider having a baby when I am not in any sort of relationship let alone married? Cart meet the horse. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Online dating? I have dabbled. I went on one date. It was a miserable experience. Not going there again.
And then there's the big one...
Why am I still single? Because I am not desperate for a relationship. If I was, I could have been married and divorced another 4 times by now. It's not for lack of dating offers or eligible guys. It's because I am not interested in playing the field. I take relationships far too seriously to just date around casually. If I can't see a future with a guy or I don't want to elongate the date by ordering dessert, I see no point in going on a first, second, or third date. I don't necessarily enjoy being single all of the time and I don't want to grow old alone, but I would rather be single and alone than in an unhappy, dysfunctional relationship. I am not an advocate for the women's liberation movement, but there is something to be said for a strong, independent woman who knows what she wants, doesn't settle, and isn't afraid to face life on her own.
So the next time you encounter a single person male or female, and are wondering what is wrong with them that they are alone, maybe think to yourself that they are single not because there is something wrong. Maybe that person is unattached because there is something right.
I am single.
Shocking!! Or not so much because it's pretty much the worst kept secret in the history of the universe.
What is perhaps more shocking is that in the 21st century people still don't know how to have a conversation or really know what to do with a single woman who is pushing 30. Maybe it's because I live in the land of the spud where the average age of a woman getting married for the first time (sadly it's important to note this reality we live in) at 23.4 years old (2nd lowest age in the nation) and men entering their first marriage is at the ripe old age of 25.5 years old (lowest age in the nation). If I lived in New York or Connecticut it is entirely possible that I would come into contact with people who have something in common with me. Single. Pushing 30. Not dating. Enjoying life alone.
This brings me to the awkward questions that, I can only assume, are supposed to be conversation starters.
1. Don't you want to get married again? (Ummm...if I answer "no" I am in denial, and if I answer "yes" I am considered desperate. How does "maybe" sound?)
2. How can you not want a baby? (Well I am not exactly in a situation right now to be thinking about that and...oh ya...none of your business!!)
3. Have you tried online dating? I know my uncle's cousin's brother's aunt's grandma's goldfish met his wife online and they could not be happier! (Good for them...I have dabbled...no comment)
And then there is my ALL TIME favorite!! This is the question of all questions. The awkward query that shall go down in infamy!
4. How are you still single? (@#(*$(@*$(@#$*.....You sooo did not just ask me that!!)
There you have it!!! The most loathed question among all single people across this great nation! The one question that suggests (as if you already hadn't thought this about yourself) that there is something intrinsically wrong or defective about you!
(As a defective single woman, I spend the majority of my life at work. So many of my life experiences that I share will come from the people I interact with on a daily basis.)
Not too long ago, I overheard a conversation a couple of my agents were having. One agent was saying to his peer, "Have you ever wondered why Lindsay is single? She is funny, smart, cute, and successful." To which the other person in the conversation replied, "I don't know. Maybe outside of work she is crazy." Of course then the first agent who started the conversation felt the need to reply, "That's true. It's possible."
Now I am not disputing that I have a little crazy going on. I am female, have the last name of moody, love the Seahawks (next time you interact with the 12th man you will understand), actively cheer against Boise State while living in/near Boise, and many other things. I have already established that we all have our issues. But my "crazy" is not made up of constant deal breakers (49er fans need not apply...please see 12th man reference if you require explanation) and do not require psychiatric assistance or medication. They are just a few of my quirks that I came by biologically or after utilizing the good sense that God gave me (Seahawks and cheering against BSU).
I will legitimately answer the awkward questions. Yes, I would like to get married again. Someday. I was a good Idaho girl and got married at 24 years old and endured an extremely painful (is there any other kind?) divorce at 25. I have had 1 relationship since and while it was wonderful while it lasted, it ended in a mess of betrayal and devastation. I haven't given up on love and marriage but I am not in a hurry to rush into something that isn't right and ends in further heartbreak. A baby? Maybe...someday. How can I consider having a baby when I am not in any sort of relationship let alone married? Cart meet the horse. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Online dating? I have dabbled. I went on one date. It was a miserable experience. Not going there again.
And then there's the big one...
Why am I still single? Because I am not desperate for a relationship. If I was, I could have been married and divorced another 4 times by now. It's not for lack of dating offers or eligible guys. It's because I am not interested in playing the field. I take relationships far too seriously to just date around casually. If I can't see a future with a guy or I don't want to elongate the date by ordering dessert, I see no point in going on a first, second, or third date. I don't necessarily enjoy being single all of the time and I don't want to grow old alone, but I would rather be single and alone than in an unhappy, dysfunctional relationship. I am not an advocate for the women's liberation movement, but there is something to be said for a strong, independent woman who knows what she wants, doesn't settle, and isn't afraid to face life on her own.
So the next time you encounter a single person male or female, and are wondering what is wrong with them that they are alone, maybe think to yourself that they are single not because there is something wrong. Maybe that person is unattached because there is something right.
Saturday, July 5, 2014
My Name is Lindsay and I am a Blogger
I have fought, denied, and tried to hide but the blaring truth remains...
Hi. My name is Lindsay and I am a blogger.
I didn't want to accept it. I didn't want to admit that I find strength in telling the world my innermost thoughts and feelings. It's embarrassing!! However, despite my misgivings, I have come to the realization that I process things out loud (or in this case....in print). I know of many in my life who would say that this is not an appropriate means in which to express myself. There is such a thing as privacy and such a thing as not letting everyone in the world know everything about me. They have a valid point. That's why names have been changed to protect the identity of the innocent (and not quite so innocent). Why do I blog? In a world where everyone puts their best foot forward and wears a mask to hide the truth, I crave authenticity and hunger for something real.
My first reality that needs to be unmasked... WE ARE ALL BROKEN! We all have situations, events, circumstances, people, and losing football seasons (hello...I am a die hard Seahawks fan...38 years as an NFL team, 1 super bowl ring) that have broken us. We all have our "crazy" that we desperately try to hide behind posed, smiling Facebook pictures (or myspace for you "older" crowd who remembers social media in its infancy). We all put on our masks any time we answer the phone, leave the house, or post on social media. We measure how well we are hiding by how many friends we have, how little drama we are involved in, and how many people think we have it all together.
Example...Yesterday, one of my agents at work made the comment that I seemed like the type of confident, strong woman who would tell a man to take a hike if he didn't treat me the right way or want me. (Amy...no laughing...) I smiled, straightened my work mask a bit, and internally patted myself on the back, "I must be hiding exceptionally well today!" Little does my agent know that on any given Saturday, Wednesday, Thursday, or after 5:45 p.m. on work nights her extremely confident, fearless leader can be seen with her hair flying, mascara running, tear stained face, desperately chasing and holding on to the guy that hurt her, threw her away, and then did it all again over and over. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Before you judge me, take a moment and be honest with yourself. We have ALL done it. We have all had our hearts broken and completely lost our cool. Isn't it amazing how we can keep our composure in almost all circumstances but the minute something touches our hearts we let our crazy run free, masks flying, and taking out everything in our paths?!? Emotional pain, specifically a broken heart, has a power not of this world. It has the power to take a confident, sane (outside of my choice of sports teams), independent, beautiful woman, and turn her into a psychotic, ranting, needy, freak! A broken heart has the power to make us question ourselves and our self worth in a way that nothing else can and can damage us for years to come. Some people never fully recover from the effects of a broken heart. The most serious side effect...it has the power to make us all turn into stalkers. You know what I am talking about...the random drive bys, going to certain stores in case he/she is there, randomly showing up at their house thinking somehow that was going to fix the situation, using sly dial to send a call straight to their voice mail without having their phone ring, posting ads for their stuff on craigslist, hacking into their online banking to see how they are spending their money, hacking into their email account... You get the point. I will only admit to doing two of the above items. I won't tell you which ones I did, but I will say they had nothing to do with email, banks, craigslist, drive bys, or going to stores (if anything I tend to avoid going certain places).
So again...why do I blog? Because today I had a conversation with someone who I respect because he has "all together". He's someone who I would have never in a million years believed had ever felt or done the things I have done. Once I got over my initial shock, I can't tell you how much better I felt to know that someone else has been where I have been. Someone else knows what it is like to become the absolute worst version of yourself, and someone else has come out on the other side. That is why I blog. The only thing worse than feeling crazy, is feeling crazy alone. So...if you are feeling like you have totally lost your mind, your mask is off, you are vulnerable and exposed for the world to see (due to football season, relationships, work, kids, etc)...come join my crowd. You are among friends and those who have been or are where you are right now.
Hi. My name is Lindsay and I am a blogger.
I didn't want to accept it. I didn't want to admit that I find strength in telling the world my innermost thoughts and feelings. It's embarrassing!! However, despite my misgivings, I have come to the realization that I process things out loud (or in this case....in print). I know of many in my life who would say that this is not an appropriate means in which to express myself. There is such a thing as privacy and such a thing as not letting everyone in the world know everything about me. They have a valid point. That's why names have been changed to protect the identity of the innocent (and not quite so innocent). Why do I blog? In a world where everyone puts their best foot forward and wears a mask to hide the truth, I crave authenticity and hunger for something real.
My first reality that needs to be unmasked... WE ARE ALL BROKEN! We all have situations, events, circumstances, people, and losing football seasons (hello...I am a die hard Seahawks fan...38 years as an NFL team, 1 super bowl ring) that have broken us. We all have our "crazy" that we desperately try to hide behind posed, smiling Facebook pictures (or myspace for you "older" crowd who remembers social media in its infancy). We all put on our masks any time we answer the phone, leave the house, or post on social media. We measure how well we are hiding by how many friends we have, how little drama we are involved in, and how many people think we have it all together.
Example...Yesterday, one of my agents at work made the comment that I seemed like the type of confident, strong woman who would tell a man to take a hike if he didn't treat me the right way or want me. (Amy...no laughing...) I smiled, straightened my work mask a bit, and internally patted myself on the back, "I must be hiding exceptionally well today!" Little does my agent know that on any given Saturday, Wednesday, Thursday, or after 5:45 p.m. on work nights her extremely confident, fearless leader can be seen with her hair flying, mascara running, tear stained face, desperately chasing and holding on to the guy that hurt her, threw her away, and then did it all again over and over. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Before you judge me, take a moment and be honest with yourself. We have ALL done it. We have all had our hearts broken and completely lost our cool. Isn't it amazing how we can keep our composure in almost all circumstances but the minute something touches our hearts we let our crazy run free, masks flying, and taking out everything in our paths?!? Emotional pain, specifically a broken heart, has a power not of this world. It has the power to take a confident, sane (outside of my choice of sports teams), independent, beautiful woman, and turn her into a psychotic, ranting, needy, freak! A broken heart has the power to make us question ourselves and our self worth in a way that nothing else can and can damage us for years to come. Some people never fully recover from the effects of a broken heart. The most serious side effect...it has the power to make us all turn into stalkers. You know what I am talking about...the random drive bys, going to certain stores in case he/she is there, randomly showing up at their house thinking somehow that was going to fix the situation, using sly dial to send a call straight to their voice mail without having their phone ring, posting ads for their stuff on craigslist, hacking into their online banking to see how they are spending their money, hacking into their email account... You get the point. I will only admit to doing two of the above items. I won't tell you which ones I did, but I will say they had nothing to do with email, banks, craigslist, drive bys, or going to stores (if anything I tend to avoid going certain places).
So again...why do I blog? Because today I had a conversation with someone who I respect because he has "all together". He's someone who I would have never in a million years believed had ever felt or done the things I have done. Once I got over my initial shock, I can't tell you how much better I felt to know that someone else has been where I have been. Someone else knows what it is like to become the absolute worst version of yourself, and someone else has come out on the other side. That is why I blog. The only thing worse than feeling crazy, is feeling crazy alone. So...if you are feeling like you have totally lost your mind, your mask is off, you are vulnerable and exposed for the world to see (due to football season, relationships, work, kids, etc)...come join my crowd. You are among friends and those who have been or are where you are right now.
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